So just who is Mendel Birnbaum? I'm something of a unique fellow.
The blog won't just deconstruct me, but also the outside world. You saw, I'm on the inside looking out. I am not however, lying under the table and dreaming. I might never become the dailykos (which, I have never read). But I shoot for the moon, but am happy to hit the ceiling if need be, at least it is movin' up in the world, Weezy Jefferson (I cribbed this line from Noah Baumbach).
I am employed, but will leave it at that for now--too boring.
I'm quirky, but cool... I'm not a cop, although I always dreamed of working for the LAPD (OJ ended that). I work broadly in that industry. I spent most of my 20s waiting for Godot and/or Guffman.
Snapshots from 32 years of life:
I will never set foot in an Arby's.
One of my favorite TV shows is Fat Albert.
My favorite movie is anything with Tim Allen--isn't he hilarious? I admire him immensely, from jail to family actor. Truly inspirational, I even have a signed picture next to my desk.
I love to snow shoe, shoot archery (my dream was the Olympics--even the Macabee games, no luck), watch the Chicago Sky/Bulls (WNBA baby).
I'm scared of Star Trek Fans.
I've never seen the Simpson’s, Friends, Seinfeld, ER, or Sex in the City. Yet, I still manage to fill my TiVo. Fuse is my music channel of choice. I still watch the Young and the Restless. Michael Damian was way underrated. While I love Richard Dawson, the late Ray Combs was my favorite host of Family Feud. I used to go to my friend Guy's house every day during school in 1991-1992 and watch him. I always ate a bad cheese whiz quesidillas and drink caffeine free Diet Rite. And finally, I was the only American who enjoyed Pat Bullard's run as the host of the new Love Connection. He was never back in 2 and 2 however. That saddened.
I once saw Bea Arthur in concert--she swore up a storm and it was totally a religious experience.
My favorite book might be Green Eggs and Ham (well, when I was 5), and I can't stand "who moved the cheese?"
Seriously, who reads that?
I read the NY Post online and the Akron Beacon Journal online, although I have never been to Akron. They have good writing, I swear.
I also enjoy the novels of Amy Tan, Michael Crichton, and Barbara Taylor Bradford.
I'm not a hunter, but can still shoot skeet quite well.
I hear Sandusky, Ohio is a better place to visit than Tallegda, Alabama and has less beef jerky.
I have a fear of garage door openers.
My favorite store is Yankee Candle Company.
I prefer fire escapes to elevators. And you can can grill better there. Although my rebuilt George Forman grill does the trick in a stuck elevator. My building has "Otis" elevators from 1962 and stubbornly refuse to replace them, so we have occasional get togethers with our George Formans in them.
I miss my swatch, although I cannot ask for it back because I don’ want to ruin my perfect rating of 268 on EBay. I sold it recently sold my 1984 swatch in black plastic that had the days of the week in French. I wore it from 1968-1991.
I still have my Pet Rock from 1981 named Floyd. He has aged well.
My roomate in college, Nathan, had a goldfish that was black in color and literally looked like Abraham from Diff'rent Strokes. One drunken night, he named it Gooey. I never asked why. Gooey died and we said the Kaddish over him in our restroom. I don't mean any disrepect to anyone. Especially you Rabbi Lowenstein, at Beth Elo (not the Electric Light Orchestra you smart alec) Heim in Matoon, Illinois.
I also have watched a marathon on Channel 5. I do work out about 4 days a week, and always wipe down the machines.
I’m really not hard to please.
My cousin left dinner when I told her that I would go on a date with Ann Coulter just for kicks. As long as she did not smoke near me. I can't stand her views, but why not listen to both sides? Open minds are so important.
As for my hair, I’m open to suggestions. My employers don't much care how it looks so I like to change it up. Which is very much a metaphor for how I live my life.
I spent years searching for true love. These included adventures on Jdate.com (I shall not comment at this time), Match.com, and a date with Linda Lavin (ok, a joke--I was also interested in Flo). You will stories of my previous 60 on-line dates occaisonally on here. I am however lucky enough to have found a woman who hates George Bush and is from Texas. She, strangley, drives a large Aretha Franklinesque Pink Cadillac with a Long Horn on the front grill. And, no, she does not sell cosmetics for Mary Kay. So, ladies, I am off the market and happily in love. However, I'd like to share my old list of traits in ideal woman.
I wondered, does she exist? And she does, but I found her first. My friend Karl Speckle from Sandy Springs, Georgia is still single and using this as his guide.
Here what Karl and I looked for:
The sass of Nell Carter.
The brains of Stephanie Zimbalist (on Remington Steele).
the eyes and cheekbones of Bo Derek
the success of Hillary Clinton (but not the legs),
the hair of Bernadette Peters,
the legs of Katie Couric
Joie D' Vie of Phyillis Diller, even with the facelifts
The passion of Rue McClahan
the singing voice of Mariah Carey
the spoken voice of Kathleen Turner
the wit of Dr. Ruth
the verbal agility of Starr Jones
the passion for justice of Nancy Grace
financial acumen of Suze Orman
the merriment of the late, missed, Nedra Volz (my girlfriend got that reference, hence our true love)
The kindness of Jessica Biel (did you see how she auctioned off a dinner for 30,000 dollars for a girl who lost a limb?). Jessica Biel isn’t so bad all around
And, she must Like the stage show of Barry Manilow. Even with the new fake hips. She should have real hips.
Ahhh….love.
My cousin, Joanna, told me that this summation sounds way too bizarre...I argued that you might as well know about me upfront. We have a bet riding on the reaction of readers.
The bet? If she wins, I have to go to a petting zoo, which frightens me.
If I win, she has offer her forehead as an ad space for a company for 30 days on Ebay. In something of an irony, if I win, she could make a good deal of dough. I actually did it for 30 days about three years ago ...a total blast and decent cash. And got lots of looks in bars, but only two dates.
Why do I think I will win? She told me my photo makes me look like Jake Gyllenhaal in the Court of Henry VIII. Which, like life, makes little sense, but creativity can lead to great things.
As my buddy Fat Albert once said, "hey, hey, hey."
As every third American says, “it is what it is.” What if it isn’t?
Finally:
You know the T-shirt--"my best friend ran off with my wife and I miss him?" That is much deeper than you might think.
And it sums up my life so far.
I'll leave it to you to judge whether I am filled with self-loathing or self-love...Woodyesque.
NB: The photo you see is not actually me (I can't upload it today), but bears a striking resemblance to me--who knew what you can find on Google Images? YEt, he could be my dopelganger...whoever you are, thanks for the photo.
Updates:
Inspiration from my favorite singer, Robert Goulet sang, "Amore baciami, arrivederci amore baciami, E se mi penserai ricordati che amo te."
For Tu Bish Vat, I got a copy of the "Friday the Rabbi Slept Late."
And never, ever, ever read Barbara Kingsolver during a Scientology service. It was almost as ugly as Tom Cruise on Oprah's coach.
My grandma Sylvia and I also lost in the Mah Jongg championship at Shady Pines retirement home.
Happy THanksgiving.
Updates:
Inspiration from my favorite singer, Robert Goulet sang, "Amore baciami, arrivederci amore baciami, E se mi penserai ricordati che amo te."
For Tu Bish Vat, I got a copy of the "Friday the Rabbi Slept Late."
And never, ever, ever read Barbara Kingsolver during a Scientology service. It was almost as ugly as Tom Cruise on Oprah's coach.
My grandma Sylvia and I also lost in the Mah Jongg championship at Shady Pines retirement home.
Happy THanksgiving.
